 |
| That's me in the pink |
 |
| Easter 2010 |
Today I am going to write about a mommy issue. I hope that is okay and I promise to follow up with a fun party topic tomorrow—you know, to lighten the mood. I have quietly lost 50 pounds over the last 6 months. I say quietly because I never really talk about it. I feel weird talking about it. First, there is the admission that I had 50 pounds to lose (oh… how I wish it was only 50) and then there is the nagging thought that never leaves. The thought that everyone is thinking to themselves… she’ll just gain it back. That thought is what keeps me quietly losing weight instead of shouting it from the roof tops. Losing weight takes a lot of patience (of which I am in short supply) and will power (that I NEVER knew I had) and a lot of hard work. I should be proud of myself for having lost 50 pounds, but like the nagging comment—I have something that holds me back. Should I really be proud of myself for losing 50 pounds? I have this mean voice that says… I never should have let myself be in a position where I had to lose that much. I never felt that my identity was tied to my body image or weight—which is probably why I never cared what I weighed and is probably exactly how I got into this situation. Honestly, “looking good” isn’t what drives me to lose weight. What drives me, is the realization that I was wasting my body. I was absolutely taking my body for granted and that (to me) was inexcusable! So, I guess it’s not exactly quiet anymore since I am posting it on the internet.
When I started in April, I weighed 226 pounds (yes, I seriously just put my weight on here for everyone to see—YIKES!). I had just turned 30 and our family had just lost an amazing young man—and there I was, an unhealthy 226 pounds. I made a goal (my first ever weight loss goal) to weigh 170 pounds (my weight after graduating high school--clearly I have had weight issues for some time) by the end of October. Seriously, 56 pounds! I had no clue how to go about losing that much weight—it was almost comical to me. I started by doing the insanity workouts (which are like the title suggests—INSANE) and cutting back on my portions. I have never wanted to quit something so bad in my entire life! I would work out with my husband and brother. Which was nice because we held each other accountable. We also laughed at each other—you need a little humor to get through the workouts—you look pretty dumb sometimes. But that wasn’t what made me want to quit. It was the portion control! It was so frustrating! I kept thinking I was eating better and yet the weight would just go back and forth. I was so hungry at night that it physically hurt. It was painful to fall asleep hungry and it took every ounce of my will power to not eat—not trusting myself, I would take a sleeping pill (can’t eat if you’re asleep).
No comments:
Post a Comment